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Muslims celebrate unity step forward

15 Mar

A section of the Muslim community was rejoicing this morning making an announcement that big unity for the ummah was on it’s way. Brother Abdul, spokesman for the Muslim Firqatun-Najiyah Foundation told us more.

“It all started a couple of days ago when Myriam Francois wrote some nasty tweets about iERA and salafis. We really felt bad because, yeah she’s a bit of a feminist, and she was blasting us salafis for having segregated talks. She completely twisted and exaggerated what happened and was espousing teachings that neither Ibn Baz nor Ibn al-Uthaymeen nor al-Albani nor their noble reliable representatives in the uk ever did.”

Abdul looks sad, but then a smile returns to his face “but then this morning my wife told me that she had retracted and taken back her criticism of segregation, salafiyya and Saudi sponsored dawah, and it shows quite clearly that everything is ok now between her and iERA.”

He shows me the tweet:

Screen Shot 2013-03-15 at 22.24.47

I question him as to whether this one-off event actually means anything in the wider scheme of things, after all Myriam is only one person. Abdul is eager to announce more. “But that’s not all! We were reading Usama Hasan’s blog and we noted with great joy that he wrote that he is praying for unity and brotherhood to prevail at Masjid Tawheed. And that can mean only one thing!” What is that, I ask him? “Well we discussed it over dinner at Sahara Grill and we all agree that it can only mean that he is about to retract his view that Adam had ape like parents! Alhumdulillah! eh?”


Gorgeous Georgina helps out unlikely admirer

17 Feb

Police were called to the Shams Mosque in the Tooting area of London yesterday following a disturbance caused by one of it’s worshippers.

Imam Shafayat speaking exclusively to TBM said that the worshipper had burst into the mosque office with obscene material and started waving it in the faces of other worshippers. “This is a holy place, this mosque. You can’t be running into the Mosque with the Sun newspaper can you? It’s disgusting. He came in running around shouting ‘alhumdulillah Imam, I caught my son looking at Page 3!'” I told him “May God guide you, why are you praising him for this? And he said ‘alhumdulillah, it means he’s not gay.'”

The man is then reported to have gone to the prayer hall and started praying at which time the Imam made a quick call to the police. When pressed on his own views regarding homosexuality the Imam excused himself saying he had an engagement sitting in a panel meeting with his local MP.

Meet the new Homie

11 Apr

Al-Hawd Institute is pleased to announce that we are now recruiting our next generation of instructors.

And what we want to show you, our wonderful customers students, is how Dayyaaam cool we are and they are. Gone are the days of Islamic lectures presented by big-bearded guys who studied for umpteen years at some Islamic university. We have listened to what you guys are saying you want and will shortly be presenting this year’s new instructor: he is cool, he is slick and he’s a surfer dude. He’s an Islamic instructor but he’s also chic and sophisticated: he doesn’t eat curries, he snacks on organic vegetables while he reflects from his balcony overlooking the ocean.

Are you pumped up? We are?

Got what it takes?

While this year’s new instructor has been hired we will shortly be accepting applications for next year’s instructor vacancy. The theme is “Bad Boy – Good Heart.” Minimal requirements are a history of having smoked weed at least 5 times and performed at least two bunjee jumps. Applicants who went out with a white girl in their jahiliyah will be looked upon favourably.

Undertaker unhappy with funeral

2 Nov

Abdur-Rahman & Son Undertakers of east Birmingham were complaining again yesterday when they were asked to rebuild the coffin for super-salafiyya. As soon as word spread of the passing of Dawood Burbank (rahmatullahi alaih) the worries and anxiety began. It was then just a matter of time before their fears were confirmed and talk spread that with the passing of Salafi Publications most senior translator it was “the final nail in the coffin of super-salafiyya.”

“Haraam alaik!” cries Abdur-Rahman. “How many final nails can there be in one coffin? I’ve been hearing about these damn final nails since 1995!” He reels off a long list of such final nails “The first was when Abu Ruhayyam refuted Ali al-Halabi. And then it was when Usama al-Busi went off the manhaj. And then Abu Jibaali was kicked out. Each time we’re told it’s the final nail in the coffin.”

In late 2002 and yet more final nails in the coffin Abdur-Rahman realised that there was simply no more space left on the coffin for any more nails. So he built a second one, and then a third, and now is on the fourth.

“We were just about to ask the Imam to arrange a janaza, and now we get another nail.”

He seems exasperated.

Has he been paid, I ask? “Paid?! No way. But they have given me a shelf full of fragrant oils. But I’m warning them, if I have to build a fifth coffin for them I haven’t got space for it, and it’s going in Big Yellow Storage.”

Politicians: “We can argue louder than you guys at Masjid Tawheed”

25 Jan

Lies, Wives and Videogames

20 Jan

Rarely does any discussion on Islamic forums get as heated as that on the topic of polygyny. Those who speak for it are as vocal in their arguments as those who oppose it. But in the main, such discussion is theoretical, with most of it set in Western countries where civil law bans the practise (except, of course, Germantown Masjid in Philly).

So with a trip on the cards to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, I felt the time was right to sidestep the theoretical and speak to real people who live in a country whose laws uphold the right for a man to take multiple wives.

So as soon as I’d landed and dropped my bags off at the hotel, I headed straight for the coffee shops on Tahliya Street in downtown Riyadh, and found that just as with everything else in the 21st century, things were changing, even in this desert kingdom.

“Its not like the old days” sighed one man. “When I was in my twenties and thirties I could marry new wives and hide them from each other; I used to blame it on the sheep and camels keeping me late. But now these damn mobile phones means my wives can reach me anywhere anytime.”

As word spread of the discussion I was soon surrounded by a group of men on all sides wanting to give their two cents.

“Its great fun!” told me one, while another forcefully reminded me that it is his God-given right as a man to take more than one wife.

But barely had the interviews started when I was passed a message that someone outside was waiting to speak to me urgently. Worried that the feared Mutawieen [religious police] were onto me, I quickly packed away my recordings and stepped outside to find, not a member of the committee for prevention of vice, but a lone woman dressed in an abaya, the traditional Islamic dress for women.

“I need your help”

Speaking at first nervously, and then growing in confidence she told me her story.

“My husband and I had a great relationship for 6 years but out of the blue the stinker told me that he has taken a second wife, and my life has fallen to pieces. I noticed that he had become a little withdrawn of late, but I thought that was because of stress at work. I really miss the good old days when he did everything I told him to do. I mean everything. He’s left me with a couple of servants, but its just not the same.”

And then the discussion got interesting. She said that she had asked her driver to follow him secretly to his second wife’s apartment.

“It was difficult to trace, because he was very suspicious, and changes the route he takes to her house everytime he goes. Why be so suspicious? Its not as if he is the first to take a second wife, and its not as if he is doing something haram. But anyway, sharing my husband just doesn’t work for me, and it took over 3 weeks of trying to follow him until we identified the house.”

So now in possession of the location of the apartment, this scorned wife wanted my help: to be on hand when she confronted her husband and his new wife and demand that they divorce for the simple reason “I want my old life back again.”

With some reservations, but trusting my journalistic instincts, I agreed.

So that evening, feeling a great deal of anxiety, I sat waiting in a parked taxi outside the second wife’s apartment. What was I doing here? I asked myself. This was a private matter between married adults and by all rights I should be keeping my nose out of it. But the opportunity to change my mind was soon lost as she pulled up in a 4×4. She stepped out clearly pumped up and like a woman on a mission. “Follow me” the only words she spoke before heading straight into the apartment complex.

Three flights of steps later and we were there – standing silently outside the door. I felt a slight sense of disgust hearing the sounds of his laughter – this guy was really enjoying his dunya. Then to my surprise she pulled out a key, “he always keeps a spare key in the second plant pot to the left of the building entrance,” she whispered.

She stopped for a moment, undoubtedly steeling herself for the ensuing confrontation then slowly turned the key.

The lock clicked, then holding up her left hand she counted down from three and then burst in through the door. The next few seconds were a blur of flying objects and cries of “Ya Baba!”

And then she was off running from room to room screaming “Where is she? Come out you cow! You daughter of a cow! How dare you steal my husband!”

It gave me the chance to take in the scene before me: a small room with a single-bed in the corner and a thin Arab man sitting in front of a TV with an X-Box controller in his hands.

And then she was back “Where is she? Tell me now, or i’ll get the scissors out!”

Her husband’s face was red but strangely not with a look of anger, but more like he was going to burst into tears.

A neighbour and his wife walked in shouting “haraam alaik – vyy you wake us uuup?” I motioned to them to take my host outside to cool her down, and also to give me a chance to speak to her husband.

His story was shocking.

“I’m sick of her. She bullies me all the time, and is always nagging me. In the end I got sick of it and faked up a second wife. It was the only way to keep my sanity: the knowledge that every two nights I’d be away from her nagging and her never-ending requests and her ‘don’t-you-know-my-rights-over-you?’ and ‘I’m-Muslimah-Queen-Sheba’ lectures”

I looked around the room. It didn’t look like there was anyone else living there, what with empty takeaway containers piled up to one side, and a crate of Coke bottles next to them. No woman could live in a place like this. A small explosion on the TV showed his online character getting fragged; up till a few moments ago he had been playing “Call of Duty: Black Ops”.

Nope, this guy definitely didn’t have a second wife.

Instructor leaves institute in queer circumstances

14 Jan

In what is turning out to be a major embarrassment for AlHawd Institute, a former instructor is suing the US’s premier Islamic Institute in a case of constructive dismissal.

When in 2009 the Institute announced that veteran Islamic Preacher Abdul-Kareem Whooosh was joining the team, students and instructors alike were overjoyed.

An insider tells us that the relationship started off well with Whooosh delivering several of AlHawd’s trademark double-weekend seminars.

A student who attended one of those seminars spoke to us telling us that the Instructor won over his audiences immediately.

“He was just so cool, he walked in to the auditorium and we could see his humility in the way he walked. And then he gave us salaams and then said ‘wugawaaaan bredders!’ I mean is that cool or what? And like the noor from his face is so blinding. He is truly a blessed guy.”

So where did it go wrong?

In early 2010 rumours began to circulate that Whooosh was on record making “irresponsible and intolerant statements”. Our contact within the Institute told us more:

“Well it all began about 3 months ago. It was brought to our attention that somewhere in the past, about 15 years ago, he had made some anti-gay remarks. Now, we’re traditional sunni muslims, so you have to understand that we’re not in agreement with gay practices. But hey, we’re traditional sunni Muslims living in America and we still love everybody. And because we love everybody – even Amr Moussa – we had to investigate. And we found that he was responsible for all manner of intolerant remarks, calling homosexuals perverse & sick and calling for all manner of horrible things to be done to them, like pulling off their nipples with pliers.”

But the immediate reaction of the Institute was not to kick him out. Instead they chose to wait.

“Sh. Abdul-Kareem was a big find for us. We’d been asking him for years to join us, so we were hesitant to ask him to leave after having finally got him. At the same time we had to be clear: we will not tolerate any anti-gay, bigoted speech by any member of our staff. Our message is a message of love. So after an internal meeting of the executive committee we decided to send him to teach at our Bay Area class.”

The Bay Area, also known as the Gay Area.

And that gay influence has worked its way into the Muslim community too. So when Whooosh walked into the auditorium he was in for a surprise: half the class was made up of overweight, butch-type students with short spikey hair; and the brothers side was made up of guys in tight pants, gelled hair and shaped eyebrows.

Allegations then surfaced that Whooosh had verbally abused a student. The student, Tarak Batah, gave us his side of the story.

“I was like so excited to meet the shaikh, i mean like, I’ve heard so many good things about him. I put on all my best clothes and perfume that day. When i saw him, something came over me and i rushed forward to give him salaams. I put out my hand, and he looked at me and then said something weird and pushed me away.”

Eyewitnesses claim that Whoosh’s words to the students were : “Wa yah dween? Gweh yah batty-man!”

Whoosh claims that he was provoked by the student who came up on to the stage holding a pink handbag on his left arm.

Based on this and other similar incidents Whoosh left the Institute and eventually filed a suit claiming constructive dismissal.

“This is a big shame,” says our contact inside the Institute. “We loved him. We had big plans for hims. We even trademarked the third ‘O’ in his name Whooosh(TM). But at the end of the day we had to do what we had to do.”