Tag Archives: AlHawd Institute

Meet the new Homie

11 Apr

Al-Hawd Institute is pleased to announce that we are now recruiting our next generation of instructors.

And what we want to show you, our wonderful customers students, is how Dayyaaam cool we are and they are. Gone are the days of Islamic lectures presented by big-bearded guys who studied for umpteen years at some Islamic university. We have listened to what you guys are saying you want and will shortly be presenting this year’s new instructor: he is cool, he is slick and he’s a surfer dude. He’s an Islamic instructor but he’s also chic and sophisticated: he doesn’t eat curries, he snacks on organic vegetables while he reflects from his balcony overlooking the ocean.

Are you pumped up? We are?

Got what it takes?

While this year’s new instructor has been hired we will shortly be accepting applications for next year’s instructor vacancy. The theme is “Bad Boy – Good Heart.” Minimal requirements are a history of having smoked weed at least 5 times and performed at least two bunjee jumps. Applicants who went out with a white girl in their jahiliyah will be looked upon favourably.


Instructor leaves institute in queer circumstances

14 Jan

In what is turning out to be a major embarrassment for AlHawd Institute, a former instructor is suing the US’s premier Islamic Institute in a case of constructive dismissal.

When in 2009 the Institute announced that veteran Islamic Preacher Abdul-Kareem Whooosh was joining the team, students and instructors alike were overjoyed.

An insider tells us that the relationship started off well with Whooosh delivering several of AlHawd’s trademark double-weekend seminars.

A student who attended one of those seminars spoke to us telling us that the Instructor won over his audiences immediately.

“He was just so cool, he walked in to the auditorium and we could see his humility in the way he walked. And then he gave us salaams and then said ‘wugawaaaan bredders!’ I mean is that cool or what? And like the noor from his face is so blinding. He is truly a blessed guy.”

So where did it go wrong?

In early 2010 rumours began to circulate that Whooosh was on record making “irresponsible and intolerant statements”. Our contact within the Institute told us more:

“Well it all began about 3 months ago. It was brought to our attention that somewhere in the past, about 15 years ago, he had made some anti-gay remarks. Now, we’re traditional sunni muslims, so you have to understand that we’re not in agreement with gay practices. But hey, we’re traditional sunni Muslims living in America and we still love everybody. And because we love everybody – even Amr Moussa – we had to investigate. And we found that he was responsible for all manner of intolerant remarks, calling homosexuals perverse & sick and calling for all manner of horrible things to be done to them, like pulling off their nipples with pliers.”

But the immediate reaction of the Institute was not to kick him out. Instead they chose to wait.

“Sh. Abdul-Kareem was a big find for us. We’d been asking him for years to join us, so we were hesitant to ask him to leave after having finally got him. At the same time we had to be clear: we will not tolerate any anti-gay, bigoted speech by any member of our staff. Our message is a message of love. So after an internal meeting of the executive committee we decided to send him to teach at our Bay Area class.”

The Bay Area, also known as the Gay Area.

And that gay influence has worked its way into the Muslim community too. So when Whooosh walked into the auditorium he was in for a surprise: half the class was made up of overweight, butch-type students with short spikey hair; and the brothers side was made up of guys in tight pants, gelled hair and shaped eyebrows.

Allegations then surfaced that Whooosh had verbally abused a student. The student, Tarak Batah, gave us his side of the story.

“I was like so excited to meet the shaikh, i mean like, I’ve heard so many good things about him. I put on all my best clothes and perfume that day. When i saw him, something came over me and i rushed forward to give him salaams. I put out my hand, and he looked at me and then said something weird and pushed me away.”

Eyewitnesses claim that Whoosh’s words to the students were : “Wa yah dween? Gweh yah batty-man!”

Whoosh claims that he was provoked by the student who came up on to the stage holding a pink handbag on his left arm.

Based on this and other similar incidents Whoosh left the Institute and eventually filed a suit claiming constructive dismissal.

“This is a big shame,” says our contact inside the Institute. “We loved him. We had big plans for hims. We even trademarked the third ‘O’ in his name Whooosh(TM). But at the end of the day we had to do what we had to do.”